The Loneliness of Pastoral Ministry: Why Pastors Need Close Friends

People often tell me they don’t see any reason to join a church. They love Jesus. They read their Bible daily and have regular gatherings – dinners, etc. – with their friends. Why should they spend a few hours every Sunday sitting in a room and listening to some guy talk? They can get all that on YouTube, anyway.

Well, first of all, church is a lot more than sitting in a room listening to some guy talk. Church is more than an event. It’s more than a building or place. Church is community. Church is family. When we visit your family, we don’t just sit around the table and listen to each other talk. We share life. The stories told around the kitchen table tell us who we are and how we’re to live in the world. We learn what is expected from each other and we’re grounded in the history of our family.

One of the interesting developments in recent years is how the church has taken on the role of family in the lives of young and new believers. In our age of broken families, small groups in the church can recreate the family structure. The Spirit will give you new parents, brothers and sisters – all in the faith – as we begin our new life in Christ.

Church is like a wagon train. It bumps and thumps along and all of us are sure we can do faster by ourselves. Then, the bad guys come over the horizon and we sure are glad we have brothers and sisters around us so we can circle up the wagons. Paul gives us all these “one anothers” throughout his letters. Love one another. Bear one another’s burden. Comfort one another. He’s always assuming there is always going to be a “one another.”

Paul is making a very basic point. Christianity is a team event.

We can’t play this game by ourselves and you certainly can’t win by ourselves. We need a community.

All of us need someone watching our back.

All of us need someone praying for us.

All of us need someone to encourage us.

All of us need someone to protect us.

Including pastors.

People assume because pastors work in a church, they’re always surrounded by friends. This usually isn’t true.  Most people would be surprised to find out how lonely most pastors are. First, most people have little understanding of what a pastor actually does and how difficult it is some days to do it. It’s not unusual for a pastor to go from a meeting with a couple who are struggling in their marriage to visiting someone dying in the hospital. To then go to a church board meeting to discuss plumbing issues in the second floor bathroom.

All of these pressures add up. Too many pastors don’t feel they have anyone to talk to. So, they hold in all their stress. They don’t talk to anyone. Look around. We can see the results of that.

Pastors have a hard time finding safe places to talk about their issues. Let’s be honest, most people don’t want to know their pastor is struggling. No church member wants to know if the pastor is struggling in their marriage or is depressed for some reason. Finding friends is hard for everyone. Finding friends who can be brothers and sisters to a pastor is harder still. For some reason, pastors think friendships at this level should just happen. They don’t. Think about it. Jesus spent most of his time with 12 men. Of the 12, He was closest to three.

And He picked them.

So, how do we find these soul mates? How did I know that would be the next question? First, no one volunteers for this role. The people we’re looking for aren’t looking to be the pastor’s best friend. The people we’re looking for are quietly going about their business serving Jesus in big and small ways. The Spirit will show them to us, but only after a time of serious prayer. Remember, we don’t find spiritual people by looking for them in secular ways.

Second, call them aside to walk with you and then, schedule a regular time to meet for prayer and accountability (in the best sense of that word). Test the process and if it doesn’t work, let it go and try again. Don’t be surprised if you have to try two or three times to find the right mix. Like I said, finding true friends is hard.

In every pastorate, I’ve had a small and relatively unknown group of brothers and sisters who met with me about once a month and prayed for me. The results have been life changing and I’m not being dramatic when I say I wouldn’t have made it with them.

No one walks this journey called life alone, not even Jesus. We shouldn’t either.

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